So I randomly stumbled upon this webpage today by trying to check my email while slightly intoxicated. Who would have guessed that there was a gamil.com ?
I realised that I had typed the wrong address, but when the page loaded some things on it actually caught my eye. It was a blog about art & design (I was going to write ‘and’ but I figured the ampersand was more artistic…) and they had this post about a new exhibit at the museum of modern art that was all about the history of prefabricated houses! It talks about how the exhibit even has 5 fully built houses on the museum’s lot! Tres cool.
Then I scroll down a bit and I see this other post about rice-paddy art in Inakadate, Japan! Will the wonders never cease? Apparently some farmers there plant their fields with varying types of rice to create really beautiful designs.
So I’ve decided to bookmark the page to check back on later. You could even say that I have benefitted from my mistake. Oh, the cleverness of me! ;)
I had a moment with one of our dogs today as I sat feeding our little(st) baby.
I was sitting in the bedroom with the baby and one of the boxers (the chicken killer, not the old man) poked his head into the room. He’s been especially smelly for some reason lately so the family tends to take evaisive action when he enters the room. I don’t want him to feel unloved, though, so when he came to check out the baby I told him he was a good boy and motioned for him to lay down on the bed (out of smelling distance). Of course, we don’t usually let the dogs lay down on the bed…especially not when they’re smelly, so in retrospect I probably shouldn’t have…but it seemed like the thing to do at the time.
So he jumps up on the bed and settles himself. I tell him again that he’s a good boy. He sniffs at the baby again then there’s this weird, drawn-out moment where we’re looking each other square in the eye over the baby. Maybe it’s some crazy primal-maternal instinct at work…or maybe I’m just a little off…but I have this vision of the dog suddenly becoming rabid and viciously attacking the baby and I. As a side note - ‘The Omen’ comes to mind here, too. The only part of the movie I truly found disturbing was the dogs.
In any event, I start to wonder what I would do. Probably get the baby in the crib so as to be out of harms way…but what to do to fend off the dog? Right away I see that the flimsy table and chair at the end of the bed will offer no cover, so I begin looking for a make-shift weapon to defend myself with. I think of throwing the table, but that would be too awkward. My eyes drift past the waterbottles and books on the shelf and fall on the only object with any damaging weight to it - the riddiculously expensive projector. I dismiss that idea immediately figuring the projector is too valuable to save my life. Of course, somewhere at the back of my mind I know the projector is worth less than my life and though I would like to hope that in the event of a rabid dog attack I would have better options than hurling the projector at the beast, you never know. In all honesty , I really don’t think Karloff and May would be upset. I also wonder if I would have the sense to not grab the projector and rather try for any other viable option. I mean, really…if a dog’s attacking you are you going to think of prices?
But keeping this all hypothetical, I continue to search the room for a less expensive crude weapon to beat the dog with. I see a belt that I imagine I could strangle him with, but then I realize that I may not want to get close enough to wrestle with him. He’s a big dog after all. Big teeth.
Then, it’s like a light turning on over my head. Almost litterally. I spy the lamp in the corner of the room. It’s tall, has a long metal pole, is cheaply made and comes from IKEA. Everyone knows IKEA, right? Uber-trendy, semi-disposable furniture. Or I nexpensive K rap E veryone A dores as I like to call it (the ‘K’ in crap is beacuse they’re scandanavian). Anyway, I see this as my best bet against the dog. It’s got length to it and has a nice solid base to smash him with. Plus, we have two of them, so even if I did break it on the dog we’d still have another. Good thinking on my part. :)
So all this passes through my mind as the dog is staring at me. There was this moment of understanding between us. He knows. I love you boy. I love you but….
I didn’t have time to check the number before I answered. It could have been be the hospital with news of our infant son, but instead it was a woman who spoke to me in a series of words that sounded like they should make sense, but for some reason didn’t. Having just woken up and being momentarily bewildered, I asked her to repeat herself. She did and after I moment it dawned on me that this was not my native language and indeed not one I could understand at all. I said “no” and appologized since this person obviously wasn’t looking for me. She replied in a meek voice and broken english, “oh, i so sorry…”, then hung up.
It made me think about how lucky I was to have a language so easily recognized and (semi)understood. I have no idea where this woman was from or what she wanted, but she was able to understand what I had said and appologize to me in my own language. I felt bad for not at least being able to do the same. I wonder what she was looking for? Where was she calling from?
I like to think maybe she was looking for me, though. Maybe somewhere in some great golden temple high in the mountains of Asia there is a group of monks who hold the secret to thwarting some ancient evil and they know they must contact me for only I can wield it as I am the chosen one. Maybe…It could happen. Who knows?
I was amused by an email my brother sent me recently. It was entitled “Tips On How To Prepare For Parenthood”. I have no idea where he found it, but kudos to whoever wrote it. I’m sure my brother found it hilarious. Never having been a parent himself, he has no idea how true it all is…
* * *
1) To prepare for parenthood, you should go to the nearest pharmacy and give all the money you have on you over to the pharmacist. Remember to arrange a regular direct debit of your entire salary to the bank account of the nearest supermarket.
* * *
2) In order to find out what your nights will be like, you should walk around your bedroom with a wet bundle (weighing approximately ten pounds) in your arms from 5 pm till 10 pm. At 10 pm put the bundle down, set your alarm clock for midnight and go to sleep. When the alarm rings, get up, take the bundle in your arms and walk around your bed till 1 am. Set the alarm clock for 3 am. Due to experiencing difficulties with falling asleep, get up and get yourself something to drink. At 2:45 am go back to bed and get up when the alarm rings. Hum songs till 4 am. Set the alarm clock for 5 am. Get up, make breakfast. Repeat activities described above every day for the next several years. Pretend to be fully satisfied with your life. Avoid calling your existence a “piece of shit” or any other name.
* * *
3) Hollow out an empty space inside a watermelon. Make a small hole the a size of a table tennis ball. Hang the watermelon on a piece of string and swing it like a seesaw. Prepare a bowl of a watery pulp and do your best to fill the swinging watermelon with half of it, using a teaspoon – pretend that you are an airplane. Spread the rest on your clothes. Now you may consider yourself prepared for feeding a one-year-old. In order to learn how to feed a crawling baby, smear jam on all the furniture and curtains. Hide the fish behind a wardrobe and leave it there for a few months.
* * *
4) Putting clothes on babies and small children is quite a challenge: buy an octopus and a net. Try to wrap the octopus up in the net, remembering not to leave any of its arms protruding. You have the whole morning to accomplish the task.
* * *
5) Prepare everything you will need to take with you before leaving home in the morning. Stand in front of bathroom door for half an hour. Leave home. Come back. Leave and come back again. Leave and stop several metres away from home. Come back home and leave again. Recede very slowly, taking a closer look at every object (such as a cigarette butt, piece of chewing gum or a dead insect) lying on the pavement. Come back home, but do not go inside. Stand in front of it, scream as loudly as you can, until you attract attention of your neighbours and make them stare at you in bewilderment. Now you are ready to go with your child for a walk.
* * *
6) If you’ll have to go to the grocery store to do the shopping don’t forget to take something that resembles a five-year-old with you. The goat should be the most suitable creature. If you would like to have several children, take two or more goats. Pay for everything the goats eat or damage.
* * *
7) Remember to repeat everything you say five times (at least).
* * *
8) Learn all the names of cartoon characters by heart. When you realise that you are singing the song from “Bob the Builder” while taking a bath, you are ready to become a parent.
* * *
9) Before you become a parent yourself, observe people who already have their own offspring. Criticise them for being incoherent, impatient, for not teaching their children manners and allowing them to do whatever they want. Give them any advice necessary to help them solve their problems with bringing children up. Enjoy yourself – you won’t be such an expert on parenting ever again.
Work continues to prevent me from getting much done, so I thought I’d post some items up from my notebook as a way of avoiding the usual youtube cop-outtery and hopefully embarrassing me into creating more reasonable content. These are really doodles as a way of capturing a moment I found funny. These are quoted as well as I could remember, that’s me putting away groceries, spidey-boy (aka Karloff Jr.) informing me of the levels of age, and Pickles with the wings.
My son: “That’s handy!”
My mother: “What?”
My son: “The school right next to the cemetery. If any of the kids die in school, they can just throw them over the fence.”
It’s been a bit of a ridiculous day. Bit of a ridiculous week, really. It’s all coming to a close now though, and I’m looking forward to roaming the grounds a bit once I’ve managed to unhook the matrix from my spine.
At some point today my brain just gave up and started spouting random words at me every time I would pause to gather my thoughts.
"So I just" "Pants!" "need to" "Yellow!" "finish this" "Automobile!" "change to the" "Spaniards!"
I don’t mean these things are just randomly intruding either, I can feel my brain’s active rebelion. It’s like I’m in grade five again and Luke Cunningham won’t stop saying "three hundred and forty-two, One Million, Five, six hundred and ten" while I’m doing long division.
I was happy to see an update over on Warren Ellis’ blog , (which, just as a warning, is often not for the weak of stomach,) about the upcoming ‘home-brew’ movie, Iron Sky. From a wired article :
Collaborative filmmaking leaps to new heights with Finnish film Iron Sky , a Dr. Strangelove -esque dark comedy that imagines a future where Nazis descend from space to attack Earth.
The sci-fi film comes from the same team behind 2005’s fan-made indie parody Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning .
Star Wreck was created by a group of friends and funded by solicited donations. The Star Trek and Babylon 5 mashup movie was released for free online and eventually downloaded by 8 million people before getting picked up for DVD distribution by Universal.
It’s well known that we here in Compoundia have a terrible hate for Nazis, and an opportunity to see them pummeled in a futuristic setting seems quite fun. Here’s the trailer, the pigeon at the end is a nice touch.
P.S. I realize I have an outstanding promise on a meme… you can refer to my listed bad habits when it gets done.
Q. So you’re in an open relationship and just screw around with people?
A. No.
Q. Can I join you guys sometime?
A. No.
Q. But I’m a Guy\Girl\what, is it invitation only?
A. We’re married and pretty traditional in our views on relationships. Just… more so. None of us is interested in O.P.P. There are more of us than people are used to, but its still a closed circle (er, triangle.)
Q. Did Satan set you on this wicked path?
No, but I did belong to an obscure cargo cult that worshipped beta tapes of Three’s Company, and it was very influential in my philosophy.
We’ve all come to the same conclusion from different backgrounds, but I don’t think any of us were pushed by some external evil.
Q. Doesn’t your wife get jealous?
A. Which one?
It can be an issue in any relationship, but really of the three of us, as the only male, I’m probably the most prone to jealousy. Really, things are equal between us and our personalities gel amazingly, so the worst arguments usually involve who has to wash dishes.
(For reference, although I’m the most jealous they’ll punch you in the junks\chest just as quickly as I will. They think its funny.)
Q. Yeah, but don’t your wives get jealous of each other?
Not really. It’s a very, uhm, equal relationship.
Q. How Equal?
Equal enough that I’m not getting into detail to add to your fantasies about my wives, you bloody pervert.
Q. Don’t you really only have one wife?
A. Yep, legally I’m only married to one of my two lovely partners, but what’s important, the tax status or the emotional commitment?
Q. So you’re polygamists?
A. I guess technically.
Q. You assault babies and force women into servitude?
A. No, you’re thinking of Mormons. (Har.)
We’re humanists mostly. May and I are technically atheists and Opopanax is wiccan, which is to say, all of us are heavily invested in equality. We love our children dearly and we can’t even bring ourselves to spank them.
Anyone who thinks I lead those women in a life of servitude hasn’t seen my Jeeves outfit.
These are the first few questions that are always asked, and I’ll probably build this up more over time. If you’ve had a question at the back of your mind but you were a little weird about asking, now’s the time, we won’t judge.
